i don't remember feeling the need to well, to excel or to make sure what i do counts as a step towards building and securing my future. i have always lived for the joy of living. just because. and i have always been happy.
life as i knew it was always.. stress and care free. daddy did the stressing and mummy did the caring..
but all that changed with uni. not even at the start of uni.. but nearing the very end of my academic flop... i realised that fuck! this is it. no more... second chances.. no more... another level to try to get my records all sauced up and presentable enough to meet the world and say.. "hire me. because you know you want to." *eyebrow cock*
none of that. zilch.
and i find myself stressed and very afraid of what awaits me. rejection- company after company? ... financial reliance? dependency?- for how long more? ... what if the interviewer asks me.. " what took you so long to graduate? Did you graduate bottom of your class? " will i be able to throw a smart ass answer at him and still have the courage to move on to face yet more cynics of what i am able to accomplish? ...
do i have the right to angry at my parents for not giving me the freedom to choose what i wanted to do? .. can i blame them for pushing me downhill in this fucking academic world i keep struggling to keep happy in? ... does my happiness count for crap when my future is at stake? ... why am i not allowed to be happy doing what i wanna do despite it's questionable future value ?
my life. it's pretty much spent. and i have accomplished nothing. haven't done the things i would love to pursue... haven't excelled in what i was forced to take up... nothing.
someone get me some comfort food.
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