i found myself in a place i didn't want to be today. sitting in the middle of church.. listening to the pastor, singing worship songs... it just didn't feel right.
i don't want to go to church for the sake of it. i don't even want to be there because of the people i love being around. i want to be in church.. because i want to be there. the only problem is... i really DO want to be there. I just doubt that i want to be there based on my own free will. It feels like I've almost been brainwashed... threatened (for lack of a better word) even to be a Christian and to remain a Christian.
I mean.. we all know it's good to be in God and have Him be in us. We think better thoughts.. we get guidance in the way we live our lives. It is undeniably GOOOD to have Him in our lives. We know that if we stray.. if we turn our backs on him, we lose our way, lose ourselves to the world.. and that's not the way to go if you want to enjoy peace, contentment and goodness in your life. So KNOWING this, how can i turn from Christ? .. How can i walk away when i know by turning away, I'm literally cutting myself short? .. i can't... yet here I am. being a church-goer without conviction nor commitment. I feel hypocritical and i don't want to be it.
I tear myself up. I need to make a choice to right this. but this choice... is hard to make.
I can't remain a Christian just cos my brain tells me to. I want my will heart and soul to want this. I want to throw my entire being into this.. but to take that step off the edge.. just seems impossible.
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